My Obaachan

Right after I got back from Tokyo, a few days later, I got an email that my Obaachan, my Japanese grandmother, passed away. Unlike when my Japanese grandfather unexpectedly passed away, my grandmother has not been conscious for quite some time. It really was a matter of taking care of her body until her body let go. Nonetheless, it still hits me, mainly for what my mother, aunt, and uncle must be going through.

My mom had already discussed that it would be OK not to fly back immediately to attend the funeral. Any time I had a biz trip and had time, I visited my grandmother, and took Tesla whenever she was with me too (and got videos, so later T can see how much her Japanese great-grandma loved her). The last last time I was in Tokyo, with Tesla, we went to the hospital where my Obaachan was, but I can't say my Obaachan knew we were there. Still, the pictures we took together will always be a treasure. Although I didn't attend her funeral, I feel connected. I saw Obaachan as much as I could when she was alive and well.

I had not known Japan before I was 8, and when we moved there, the connection I established with both my grandparents helped me adapt to being a normal kid in Japan. I had Japanese grandparents who did all the traditional things for me. Memories of living at their house the very first summer are clear in my brain; they are my first warm, loving memories of Japan that I will always feel very close to. My grandmother sewed some favorite clothes for me, always cooked up a storm when we visited, and showed me what a traditional Japanese family was like. And her own personal history, of raising children during and after the Pacific War, is amazing. What she went through, and came out smiling for her grandchildren, is admirable.

In the Buddhist tradition, my grandmother received a Buddhist name after death, so her name changed from Yaginuma Kikue (柳沼菊枝) to Zui Senkikuoushinnyo (瑞泉菊温信女). Yaginuma changed to Zui (瑞) which is the same character that the Buddhist priest gave to my grandfather, and means auspicious. Her first name Kikue meant chrysanthemum branch, and now her Buddhist name Kikuoushinnyo means a chrysanthemum flower that blooms by a beautiful fountain. My grandmother was 87, the same age when my grandfather passed. And both in early March. We like to think that somehow my grandfather was calling to her, and they timed it : )

My mom and dad emailed updates while the multi-day funeral rituals took place. I do very much appreciate the intricate & intimate rituals that help the family send off the loved one. Here is a snippet from one of my dad's updates:

The priests came elaborately costumed, and immediately set to work burning incense. At noon, they began their Buddhist chant (which nobody understood but which is nevertheless vaguely familiar to all). They chanted for almost two hours, and 30 minutes into it one began to discern a rhythm, as if it were a languorous medieval mass. We were asked to burn incense ourselves and the room filled with fumes. The sun set and the priests departed and a table was brought in and we ate what seemed an elaborate picnic with beer and sake with Oba-san encased in her wooden box just feet away. We seemed to be getting used to the idea that Oba-san was no longer breathing, though she was still with us.

This is my post from my grandfather's funeral to share some of the rituals.

When my grandfather died, it was an accident. So for legal reasons, the family couldn't be present when the body was prepared for the funeral. For my grandmother, since she died at the hospital, the family (my mom, aunt, and uncle) were present to prepare the body together which is full of rituals I have never experienced. My mom said it was the most beautiful part of the whole process where each child ritualistically wiped, dressed, and lay the body in the box together. For that step, I do wish I had been able to be present for my mom as I imagine that must be hard (although helpful for processing).

My brother and I each wrote letters to be with Obaachan as her body burned to bones to be put in the cemetery that I will surely visit next time. I do have incense ashes from the family alter here in S.F., and have been giving incense for both my Ojiichan and Obaachan. My brother and I were missed most when there was a big family meal, after the cremation, to share memories and a few laughs. A meal with sake was placed for my grandmother too.

Right now my grandmother's bones will rest for 48 days until the ceremony for placement in the family cemetery. Thereafter there are multiple more ceremonies over years so hopefully I can be there for one.

p.s.My brother and I sent flowers. I discovered that the 1800Flowers international option offered one bouquet, more for a wedding. No other options offered even when talking to customer service. So I searched out a local Yokohama flower shop, and was profoundly touched by the extra care I got. All via the internet, the owner and I exchanged emails so she understood the feeling I wanted. I also had to push for an early delivery and she obliged with no extra fee. The service I received was phenomenal and very personal considering what I was trying to do without being right there. So I want to give a nice thank you to Ms. Naomi Yamada of Deux Fleur. Absolutely the most conscientious customer service!

5 Comments Comment feed

So sorry your grandma is gone, but I am glad she got to bond with Tesla, and also that now your family is having such a special, tasteful farewell.

Posted by: Eva | 03/09/2010 at 11:08 PM

Thank you, Eva. Yes, I'm so glad to have memories. In the end, it's all about family and friends, and I'm very happy to have known my awesome grandparents.

Posted by: Kokochi | 03/09/2010 at 11:29 PM